Have you ever wondered how it would feel to be scared every single day of your life, well i do, welcome to my world. I can still remember the first time he hit me. I don’t remember what I did, or why he did it. But I do remember the soft embrace after, feeling his tears and remorse as he held me in his arms. I also remember believing him. I don’t think it happened like this ever again, him being so sorry.
After that it was always my fault, both him and I believing this lie. I hadn’t really seen it coming, the physical abuse that is, however if you ask my mother she would tell you the truth, that it was always going to be that way, right from the start. The first time she saw it was when I was still living at home.She could hear my cries from the bedroom. She said there was something in the tone of my voice that made her freeze.
Then, like many times later she could nothing but sit, listen and watch as her daughter got abused. She did try to discuss it with me, but as always I didn’t want to see.
I reasoned that it was normal for relationships to exist the way mine had, and that every relationship had there ups and downs. There were many reasons why I continued to stay in the relationship, even before I was abused and had no self esteem. His parents had emotionally and physically abused him and then told him they no longer wanted to be a part of his life. He was left, and not cared about by the two people that are not meant to do that to you. My heart went out to him and I decided that I would never be like them; I would never let him down in a time of emotional crisis. I kept my word .
The emotional and verbal abuse had gradually seeped into the relationship so I didn’t notice its arrival. He was able to justify every time he beat my self-esteem down. It was always something I said, didn’t say, did or didn’t do, it could be anything… and it was. The most surprising part about this story is that it was he who broke it off with me, claiming that it just did not feel right and that it had something to do with me. Often throughout our relationship he would say I was not making enough effort and that I should change things for the relationship. I often argued that I accepted him for the complete package that he was and why couldn’t he do that for me.